DEWEY
MEETS THE ALIEN
(an
interactive script)
The light will not die down and Dewey drops his head between his knees and moans, wishing this would go away so he could continue on his way to his torrid affair. But instead of the light dying down, it intensifies. Dewey finds himself getting out of his car, against his better judgment. He can't help it -- he is pulled out through a magnetic force stronger than the force that was pulling him down the road originally. (That was the force of the extramarital affair in which he was about to partake.)
ALIEN
VOICE
Dewey Marcus, stand up straight.
(Dewey tries to straighten up, but can't because of the light.)
DEWEY
Could ya turn that thing
down a bit? I got a stigmatism.
(The light immediately shuts off. Total blackness.)
DEWEY
Well, you coulda left a
little on, so I could see ya.
(A dimmer light is fixed on Dewey. This time he looks up at it and finds the source. A metallic blue spacecraft is hovering above a giant billboard for Calvin Klein.)
DEWEY
Wow. Look at that.
(The spacecraft is floating down to earth. Dewey watches as it settles on the side of the road, underneath the billboard.)
DEWEY
Did my wife put you up to
this? She's got to know my every move.
ALIEN
VOICE
Dewey Marcus, you have been
chosen by the people of Galaxia to represent all of your kind. The
human race.
DEWEY
That's awful flattering
but can we make it another night? I'm kind of on my way to a party
at the motel six ...
ALIEN
VOICE (interrupts Dewey)
We come in peace.
You need not worry, Dewey Marcus. Our only hope is to learn a few
things about humans and your planet. We will not harm you.
DEWEY
... it's a small party.
Real casual, nothing fancy. Just close friends, getting to know each
other better. I should be able to meet with you guys first thing tomorrow...
ALIEN
VOICE (interrupts Dewey)
Do not fear! We are sending
a representative out of our mother ship to greet you, to ask you several
questions, and then you will be released. This is a momentous occasion,
as human meets Galaxoid.
(Dewey checks his watch impatiently.)
DEWEY
Uh, okay, can we chat in
the car, on my way over to this party?
(The door to the space ship opens. Drum rolls are heard. A misty figure emerges from the spaceship and slowly lowers towards the ground, as if floating on a force field. The alien glides through the fog and is suddenly standing right next to Dewey.)
DEWEY
Wow, you aliens really do
look like a cross between an angry wildebeest and Joseph Stalin.
(The alien speaks through a hole in its hoof.)
ALIEN
It is nice to make your
acquaintance. I am honored. Please, allow me to shake your
hand, in the human salutation.
(The alien sticks the hoof towards Dewey. Dewey tries to shake it as best he can.)
DEWEY
Hey, how about we take a
little ride together? I'm kind of running late for this thing.
ALIEN
Please, have a seat.
(Dewey is supernaturally thrown to the ground. The alien paces back and forth in front of him.)
ALIEN
So little time, so many
questions. Where does one start?
(Dewey checks his watch again.)
ALIEN
What is that object you
are looking at?
DEWEY
Oh, this old thing?
It's a Timex. Real piece of crap. Is that all you wanted to
know, cause I gotta run ...
ALIEN
I have four questions for
you, and then you may ask me any questions you might have.
Let's start with reproduction.
How does that happen on Earth?
DEWEY
It's very common -- it's
called sex here on good old Earth. Usually it involves the wife and
a six-pack. When I was younger it involved just me and a six-pack.
Anyway, it's a lot of fun, similar to riding a roller coaster. And
I'll let you in on a little secret, if you promise not to tell anyone on
this planet or your own planet...
(The Alien nods agreeably.)
DEWEY
I was hoping to have a close
encounter of the reproductive kind tonight with a dear lady friend.
Of course, we don't actually want to reproduce, just go through the motions
is all. You get it. Sex. That's why I'm anxious to get going ...
ALIEN
I understand.
Next question, what forms of transportation do you have on this planet?
DEWEY
Um, we obviously have vomit-green
Chevettes, since that's what I'm driving. There are also planes,
which fly up in the sky and on occasion, are blown up by terrorists. Also,
ya got boats out here. They move on the water, and people drown on
those things constantly.
ALIEN
My third question is, how
do you communicate here?
DEWEY
Hmmm, I guess my wife and
I, we have a pretty unique way of communicating. She does this thing
called "complaining" while I do this other thing called "ignoring".
Then when it's over we both feel a lot better.
ALIEN
Interesting. My last
question is, can you describe your political organizations?
DEWEY
Why, sure. In a nutshell,
there's this guy called the president who is supposed to make all the big
decisions except that he doesn't, since these other guys called his advisors
and the first lady tell him what to do, and that's seriously it. See ya.
ALIEN
Thank you very much, Dewey
Marcus.
(Dewey gets back into his car and tries to start it. The alien taps on his window and Dewey rolls it down. The car will not start.)
ALIEN
Is there anything you would
like to ask me about -- anything at all you would like to learn about my
planet and people, or about outer space in general?
DEWEY
Yeah, can you guys give
me a jump here?
* * *
Alternative answers to
questions one through four:
(Paranoia)
ALIEN
I have four questions for
you, and then you may ask me any questions you might have.
Let's start with reproduction.
DEWEY
It's not mine! I don't
care what she said, I am innocent!
ALIEN
I understand. Next
question, what forms of transportation do you have on this planet?
DEWEY
Many.
(He breaks down)
Dear God, I never meant
to hurt her. I love my wife, I really do. I'll turn around and go
back home right now if you'll let me.
ALIEN
I have another question.
How do you communicate here?
DEWEY
(hysterical)
Just one phone call, please,
have mercy on my soul!
ALIEN
Okay. My last question is,
can you describe your political organizations?
DEWEY
I was never a Commie! I
only went to one meeting. I didn't say a word. Just had a chocolate
doughnut and left. Sure, I slept with the vice president's wife, but she
was the instigator!
ALIEN
Thank you very much, Dewey
Marcus.
(Dewey runs back into his car and tries to start it. The alien taps on his window and Dewey ignores him. The car will not start.)
(Dewey cries. The alien yells through the window.)
ALIEN
Is there anything you would
like to ask me about -- anything at all you would like to learn about my
planet and people, or about outer space in general?
DEWEY
I'm a lowly gym teacher,
please, release me.
(Dewey drives off, hits a telephone pole.)
* * *
Alternative answers to
questions one through four:
(Flip)
ALIEN
I have four questions for
you, and then you may ask me any questions you might have. Let's
start with reproduction.
How does that happen on Earth?
DEWEY
Well, if you'd like to check
it out, why don't you come along with me? That'd be pretty kinky, but why
not. I'm a sport.
ALIEN
Ah, thank you. Next
question, what forms of transportation do you have on this planet?
DEWEY
You know, you really should
rent this movie called "Planes, Trains and Automobiles". It sums
it all up for ya. Next question, hurry.
ALIEN
My third question is, how
do you communicate here?
DEWEY
AT&T, mainly.
They're at the top right now, although MCI is a close second.
ALIEN
Interesting. My last
question is, can you describe your political organizations?
DEWEY
Um, no I can't.
ALIEN
Thank you very much, Dewey
Marcus.
(Dewey ignores the alien, walks back to his car and tries to start it. The alien taps on his window and Dewey rolls it down.)
ALIEN
Is there anything you would
like to ask me about -- anything at all you would like to learn about my
planet and people, or about outer space in general?
DEWEY
Yeah, where's the Motel
Six on Fifth and Vine? *
Illustration copyright ©1998 by Andrew G. McCann <andy@planetmag.com>