Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): Fire is amok in your house. Put it out. Flames of large green eyeballs will eat your house whole if you don't deliver the items in time. Check the bath tub to see it is covered in whip cream and take a lime jello bath.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): The best memories of your life are about to re-surface. Deja Vu's are everywhere. You seem to be repeating everything but yet you seem to be repeating everything so don't repeat yourself. Concentrate on life's best events. Sex involved.
Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): Fear of financial distress causes more cellular damage. Be careful of your protein intake. Black ink in your ears is not recommended this month. Large amounts of lactose and polyporathene are recommended.
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): Your dog is sick and so is your cat. The cat has a urinary infection and must be treated immediately or your surroundings could suffer. Large shotgun and blood involved.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): You suffer from much travel this month. Most people do not do this much travelling but you must follow the yellow brick sidewalk. It tells you where to go and what to do. LSD, alcohol, and weird line art involved.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): The challenges have passed. You won the respect of your piers. Need not worry about people's opinions. Take life as it goes and live in today. Eat lots of bananas. Potassium involved.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Poison enters your veins. You will die a slow and painful death.The only way to avoid it is to run around your house naked and scream as loud as you can. Once completed, shave your genitals with a blender.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): You must resolve issues with your past and continue onward to the future. The summer will bring you great happiness and much orgasm. Feel free to express yourself in any matter that you please. Indecent exposure involved.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): People hate you. You are the skum of the earth. No one wants you around. Crawl into a hole and die. If you can't find one then simply annoy the hell out of anyone you can find. This will please your nature to be obnoxious.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): The aquarium is getting smaller. You are getting older and need to find a new place to live. Hopefully with the passage of time, your anus will implode and give you the best enema you ever had! Defecation involved!
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): The pressure is on. You must find the magic formula. It is wrapped in a little piece of paper and is on its way to the United States. Follow it or pay the severe consequences! Or sit home and beat off!